Dennis Rhodes

Gerrin Inta Shape by Dennis Rhodes

Ah sud like ter goa aht, bur Ah've nowt ter weear
Ah can't fasten yon skirt at Ah bowt last year
When Ah luk i' t'mirror Ah think "By Gum
It's time Ah did summat abaht that tum"
T'onny thing is ter loise sum weight
Ah'll just etta cut dahn on t'snap at Ah eyt

Ah knaw dietin' should stop mi thra gerrin bigger
But wor Ah really want is ter tone up mi figger
An ter get mi curves goin in t'reyt direction
Is bahn ter tek a lotta correction
Nah Ah wonder ow An can mek that come ter pass
I know! Ah'll sign up fer Isabel's class

All them aerobics an physical jerks
Might 'urt, but ne'er mind if it works
Ah s'll luk like Green Goddess at cums on t'telly
As sooin as Ah manage ter get shut o' mi belly
It'll tek dedication, doant tell mi, Ah know
Bur Ah've med up mi mind ter gi'e it a go

Them sit ups 'll mek mi groan an grunt
Still ther wor Ah need ter flatten mi front
An push ups, they're another must
Ter tighten up mi saggin bust
Swivvles for t'ips an squats fer t'thighs
That'll bring em dahn ter a decent size

Eeh! think ah folk'll envy me
When mi body's back like it used ter be
Mind yer, it weant bi all that easy Ah'll bet
Just thinkin abaht it's mekkin mi sweat
"No pain, no gain" all t'experts say
An what's it all for at t'end o' t'day
Who cares wor a luk like, Ah doant giv a damn

If mi 'usband luvs mi like Ah am
'e duz anawl, yer can allus tell
An Ah might not bi fit bur Ah keep pretty well
Soa Ah doant think Ah will foller Isabel's lead
New cloas an 'air-do, that's all Ah need

Gerrin On A Bit by Dennis Rhodes

Tha’ll appen bi frettin abaht gerrin a bit owd
Mebbe loisin thi luks an thi charm
All thi wild oats 'll ev long sin bin sowed
It'll bi all tha c'n do ter keep wahm

Nah doant thee worry, it int all bad
At last tha's a life on thi own
Noa gaffer shahtin "Jump to it lad"
A lot o' thi troubles 'as flown

Tha dunt ev ter gerrup at crack o' dawn
Noa need ter set thi alarm
If tha wants tha c'n lig i' bed of a morn
It dunt do nob'dy no 'arm

Tha'll ev time fer thi 'obbies whativver the' ahr
Er just sit aht an watch t'flahers grow
W’en tha gets stalled jump on t'bus er i' t'car
Ther's plenty o' places ter go

Mind thee, it int entirely a carefree life
Ther's one thing tha allus mun do
That's keep a wary e'e aht fer t'wife
Else shi'll finnd thee a job er two

Aye, nahadays the' tend ter worship youth
Gerrin owd's too awful ter mention
But tha can't stop t'clock an that's the truth
An life's noan ser bad on t'pension

Long Hot Summer by Dennis Rhodes

By heck bur it's 'ot, ther idnt a breath
T'sun's blazin dahn aht o' t'sky
Ah'm wet thru wi sweat an Ah'm moidered ter death
An Ah'm sure Ah cud sup yon tap dry

Mi plants weant thrive cos t'gardin's like concrete
Tho’ Ah watter em whhenivver Ah can
Bur Ahlm flaid ther might sooin bi standpipes i' t'street
Ne’er mind just a hosepipe ban

Tha'd think i' this country wi'd ev watter ter spare
Wot wi all t'winter rain an snow
But when wi've a wahm spell ther's 'ardly owt theer
Whearivver duz it all go

Still, choose ah, England's noan a bad spot
Wi ger all soarts o' weather tha sees
An although just nah it's a bit ower 'ot
Wi knaw afooar long wi s’ll freeze

Mi New Year’s Resolution by Dennis Rhodes

That's Christmas ower fer another year
It's bin grand ter 'ave t'fam'ly rahnd
But wi t'turkey an' t'puddin' an t'nuts an' t'beer
A'm shure ter 'ave puttun on a few pahnd

A knaw 'at it's normal fer a feller like me
Ter 'ave a bit on a middle age spread
But t'flab's gerrin' varry unsightly ter see
It mun goa - the's ner mooar ter bi sed

A'm determined ter mek a bit on a put
I' nineteen ninety fower
On t'extra weight A'm bahn ter get shut
An' 'appen a little bit mooar

A c'n try aht joggin' an' 'appen ride t'bike
An' goa dahn ter t'baths fer a swim
Exercise is summat 'at A used ter like
A'll sooin get back inta trim

Dooant fooil thissen lad, them days is long past
If tha's serious abaht loisin' sum weight
T'proper rooad is ter goa on a fast
Tha mud as weall do t'job reight

Noa puddins ner cakes fer thee owd son
Tha mun gi'e ower suppin' anawl
Atta shure wi this diet tha wants ter goa on
Wilta stick it wen frien's cum ter call

Aye, mi word 'as allus bin one ter rely on
An' nah mi intentions A've spokken
A'll carry 'em thru wi a will med ov iron
Cooarse - Resolutions is med ter bi brokken

Mischief Neet by Dennis Rhodes

Wi 'ad a gang o' kids rahnd at ahr 'owse tuther neet. The' cum brayin on t'dooar an when Ah oppened it, theear the wor wi ther witches 'ats on an ugly masks. A couple on em wor carryin them lanterns med aht o' oller turnips wi slits in em an cannles inside.
T'lad at seemed ter bi t'gaffer sez "Trick er treat, Mister".
Ah sez "Wot's ter mean bi that then young feller".
"Why" sez t'lad "If yer dunt gi'e us sum brass wi'll play a trick on yer".
"Oh aye" Ah sez "An dusta knaw at that's ageean t'law".
"Wor is" sez t'lad "Demandin money wi menaces" Ah telled 'im "It's illegal".
"Nay Mister" one little lass piped up "It's onny a bit o' fun an if wi're lucky wi'll 'appen ger a bob er two fer fireworks".
Well, Ah've allus bin a soft touch wi bairns, specially little lasses, an Ah cudn't keep up bein stern noa longer. Soa Ah giz em tenpence apiece, telled em ter stick tergether in a gang an onny pester t'neighbours at the knew (cos tha can't bi too careful nahadays) an off the goes.
Ah guz back i' t'owse, chunterin abaht kids terday an wot the gerrup ter an Ah bethowt missen at wot Ah'd gi'en em wor acherly two bob apiece. That wor mooar spendin brass ner Ah used ter ger in a month an Ah'd ter addle it. Still it dunt buy ser much nah.
Ah sez ter t'wife "Bloomin kids wi ther daft American ideas at the gerroff telly. It wernt like that when wi wor bairns".
"Aw no" shi sez "We dint goa beggin fer pennies fer t'guy ner causin bother on mischief neet did wi".
"Ah but that wor diffrent" Ah sez "Just a bit o’ 'igh spirits tha knaws. Nowt nasty" "Ah dunt spect grown ups thowt it wor diffrent" shi sez an then shi stahts laffin .
"Dusta remember that time thee an Jack Earnshaw teed a bit o' string ter owd Dan Olroyd's dustbin an teed tuther end ter t'back o' Billy 'arrops motor bike an sidecar. Wi knew Billy wor on neets, an all t'street fon aht when 'e set off fer wark".
"By Gow, aye" Ah sez "Tha's nivver 'eeard such a clatter. Mind yer, 'e wor a mis'rable owd devil wor Dan an Ah reckon 'e deserved it".
"0h, an wot's ter reckon t'kids think abaht thee, when tha allus shahtin at em fer chuckin t'ball i' thi gardin" ahr lass sez "It's a wonder the dunt do sumat at thi wiaht cummin ter t'dooar an gi'in thi chance ter buy em off. Tha'd sooin bi 'oppin up an dahn if tha fon t'front gate ta’ en off it 'inges an chucked on t'lawn er t'dooar 'anle daubed up wi treeacle er one o' them sooart o' tricks same as tha used ter laik".
"Nay Ah nivver bowt em off. Just a bit on a treat like" Ah sez "Bur 'appen tha reight lass, wi wernt wot tha'd call angels wor wi. By but wi 'ad sum gud laffs tho'. Micky Jubb an 'is stink bombs in Wilson's garidge, that wor a gud un. Aye an yor lasses wernt much better. Ah knaw it wor thee an Ethel Batty at teed t'sneck dahn on owd Ma Ross's privy soas shi cudn't get t'dooar oppen. Poor owd soul wernt ayf plaitin 'er legs afooar shi got t'band undone".
"Aye, an us stud rahnd t'corner laffin" sez ahr lass "Eeh, things dunt change all that much do ther".

Nowt’s Same Terday by Dennis Rhodes

Ah wor off dahn ter t'shops wen it occurred ter me
Things is farther away ner the used ter be,
Ter t'corner o' t'street, it's twice as far
An' it used ter bi flat bur it's uphill nah

Ah've gi'en o'er runnin wen Ah've a bus ter cop
The' set off faster theease days, an' leeave mi at stop
An goin' up stairs the've med steps that steep
Nah Ah lig o' t'settee fer mi afternooin sleep

Wen Ah read t'newspaper it fair meks mi squint
Nah 'at the usin' a lot smaller print
An' fowk all speyk that quiet terday
Ah c'n 'ardly 'ear wot the've got ter say

Ah'm lucky, Ah've t'same figure Ah've allus 'ed
Tho' mooast o' mi frien's 'ev a middle-age spread
But the' mek clooas that skimpy Ah've ter get t'next size
Especially rahnd t'waist an' t'ips an' t'thighs

Summers get shorter an' winters get cowder
An' fowk 'ats my age all seem a lot owder
Wen wi meet i t'street the' can't think on mi name
Ah reckon the's onny me 'ats still stayed t'same

Summa ‘Olida’s by Dennis Rhodes

Wen t'bairns wor small wi din't goa far
Fer us 'olida's bi t'sea
Allus ter Filey - Ah c'n see it nah
It's still i' my mind's e'e

Wi t'waves atwinklin' cross o' t'bay
An' brekkin' up o' t'shore
Nice cleean sands weear t'bairns cud play
The' din't want nowt much mooar

lcecream 'appen er a donkey ride
A rockstick er sum spice
I' t'deckchairs wife an' me 'ud bide
Eeh, bur it wor nice

Rahnd t'Creseent wor a change thra t'sand
The' wor allus a gud show o' flahrs
Tha cud sit aht theear an' 'ark ter t'band
An' tak thi eease fer 'ahrs

Then sumtimes aht o' t'Brig wi'd roam
An' luk i' t'rockpools clear
Weear t'crabs an' crawlies med ther 'oam
Tha cud see all sooarts i' theear

Er on a breet an' windy day
Wi'd stroll rahnd o' t'cliff tops
That'd blaw t'cobwebs away
An' wi'd all feel fit as lops

At t'Cobbles weear the' landed t'fish
Wor t'amusements - just enuff
Ter gi' t'bairns all 'at the' cud wish
Baht mekkin' it noisy an' ruff

An' if wi fancied shops er a show
Wen it wor wet er cowd
Wi'd jump o' t'bus an' off wi'd go
Scarbro' wor nobbut dahn t'road

Aye, them wor t'days Ah mun confess
It's true wi'aht a daht
Ah've 'ad mi share o' 'appiness
Ah've nowt ter moan abaht