Dennis Rhodes

T’Barber’s Tale by Dennis Rhodes

Ah wor sat i' t'barber's shop tuther day, waitin mi turn fer young Sweeny ter gi'e mi a short back an sides. 'is fatther, Owd Sweeny, at ed t'shop afooar 'im, wor sat i' t'corner suckin 'is pipe. The cudn't call it smoakin cos 'e nivver seemed ter leet up, An reckon 'e'd a bin as weall off wi a babby's dummy asteead o' t'pipe.

It wor Munda mornin cum ter think on it an ther wor twoathri colliers i' t'shop at wor evvin one off fer t'queen. Not at Ah blame em altergether fer not wantin ter goa back dahn yon black 'oil after t'sunny weekend wi'd just ed. Sum fowks think at ther idle bur Ah fancy ther's mooar to it ner that. Think on, moast o' t'lads i' t'village ev noa choice abaht wheear the'll wark an it's no wonder sum on em finnd it 'ard ter mek thersens goa dahn inta t'dahk an t'muck an t'danger day after day.

Onnyroad wi sat theear tellin t'tale an sumbdy gorron abaht 'is gas bill an wor it wor costin 'im fer t'central ‘eatin cos 'is wife wor allus frozzen. Then Owd Sweeny chips in an sez "Yer spoilt ter deeath nahadays wi yer central 'eatin. Yer want ter try gerrin up on a cowd winter mornin an av ter clean t'grate aht an get t'fire goin afooar yer can get wahm. When Ah wor a youngun moast o' t'owses rahnd 'ere nobbut ed gas fer leetin an then it wor gen'ly just dahnstairs. Cannleleet wor plenty gud enuff fer what the wanted ter do i' bedrooms."

Then 'e stahted chucklin ter 'issen an 'e went on "Do yer remember Freddie Olroyd 'at used ter live dahn Chapel Street. 'e wor a lot younger ner me bur 'e deed on ‘eart attack a year er two back. Yer'll 'appen think 'e wor lucky not ter've goan sooiner anawl when yer 'ear t'tale Ah've got ter tell yer. 'e allus ed plenty ter say fer 'issen did Freddie an 'e wor a bit on a noasy parker. If 'e got t'chance 'e'd bi in ennybody's 'owse lukkin rahnd ter see what the'd got.

Well, one afternooin, Freddie wor sat i' t'chair evvin 'is ‘air cut an ther wor nob'dy else i' t'shop when little Jimmy Fulbright shoved 'is 'eead rahnd t'dooar an sez ter mi: "Mi grandad's passed on an mi Mam wants ter knaw if tha can cum an tidy 'im up fer t'undertekker"

Wi'd bin expectin owd Charlie Fulbright ter goa fer sum time soa it wernt no surprise, poor owd devil ed bin ailin fer years. Soa Ah sez "Aye , Ah'll just get finished wi Freddie an then Ah'll shut t'shop an cum ter see ter 'im. Ther'll bi nob'dy else cummin 'ere terday."

Nah Ah wor a bit capped when Freddle assed if 'e cud cum rahnd wi mi cos fer all 'is blether 'e wor 'ardly t'soart ter bi 'angin rahnd a corpse. Still, Ah sed it'd bi awreyt, it'd bi gerrin dahk i' Fulbright's back bedroom an An cud do wi sumbdy ter od t'cannle while Ah shaved owd Charlie.

Soa wi gets rahnd theear but Freddie wernt long as 'e wor wishin 'e edn't bin ser noasy. 'e wor oddin t'cannle bur 'is ‘and wor shekkin that much Ah cudn't see reyt wor Ah wor doin. After a bit Ah took t'cannle off 'im an stuck it i' owd Charlie's mahth. That wor awreyt till An wor reychin ower ter shave tuther side on 'is face an Ah 'appened ter leean on 'is chest. Well, t'bit ov air left i' t'body cem aht wi a groan an blew t'cannle aht.

Ah've nivver seen owt move ser fast i' my life. Ah'll sweear Freddie's feeat dint touch a step as 'e went dahn t'stairs an 'e wor aht o' t'front dooar like a dog ahten t'trap.

Ah wudn't a sed owt like but nex mornin, when Ah'd a shopful, 'is missis cam rahnd an sez "Oh Sweeny, whativver did ta do ter my Freddie when 'e cem fer 'is 'air cut yestdy. 'e walked in 'ooam, white as a sheet, supped ayf a bottle o' whiskey an wudn't say a word"

Soa, Ah'd ter tell 'er wor ad 'appened an o' cooarse, all t'lads i' t'shop cracked aht laffin.

Then shi sez "Ah'm capped at thee Sweeny, tekkin 'im wi thi on a job like that. The knaws as weall as ennybody at ‘e's all wind an watter. Fancy freetnin 'im like that" An off shi flahnced.

Word sooin went rahnd t'village an Freddie dint ayf tek sum stick till it all blew ovver but yer knaw 'e nivver assed ter goa wi mi ageean.

T’Traveller’s Tale by Dennis Rhodes

It wor Chrismas Eve an Ah wor on mi rooad 'ooam. Ah'm a rep. do yer see, fer Agricultural Merchants an Ah'd bin trav'lin rahnd i' Lancasher callin on farmers, tryin ter sell em sum winter feed an spring fertiliser. It'd bin all but a waste o' time - nobdy wants ter do business just afooar Christmas bur Ah must seh them farmer's wives 're very ‘ospitable. Ah'll admit ter towathri sherries wi t'spice cake an cheese but Ah dursnt sup much when Ah'm drivin cos mi job 'd bi at stake.
Ennyrooad, Ah wor on mi way back an it wudnt bi ser long afooar Ah'd gettn mi feet up at t'side o' t'fire. It wor a mucky neet an comin ower t'top bi Scammonden tha cud 'ardly see for t'mist an spray offen t'big waggins. Droppin dahn ahr side inta t'Brooad Acres it cleared a bit tho' it wor still mizzlin - that fine stuff at wets yer thru'.
Ah turned off o' t'motorway an thowt ter missen "theear, wi're on t'last lap nah, it can't bi aboon another eight er nine mile. Then as Ah wor comin rahnd that bend at t'top o' t'ill above Colyton, Ah sees this lass at t'side o' t'rooad. Shi'd 'appen bi abaht sixteen an shi wor just stood theear baht coit - well yer knaw what younguns is like thease days. Poor bairn wor wet an cowd so Ah pulled ovver an assed 'er if shi cud do wi a lift. Ah knaw it's a bit dodgy wi strangers, ther's nawther on yer can tell what yer lerrin yersen in fer, bur Ah cudnt leeave 'er in such a state wiaht at least offerin ter 'elp.
Shi sez "Thanks mister. Can yer tek mi inta Colyton? Ah want ter bi at 26, Kings Road."
Well Ah usually bypass t'village ter get ter wheear Ah live at Gillgate bur it wernt much aht o' mi way an Ah wernt bothered ter a minit er two, so Ah telled 'er ter gerrin t'car.
Then shi sez "is it awreight if An gerrin t'back an 'ave a little nap, Ah'm fair wore aht".
Well, it seemed a bit strangelike, seein as it wudnt tek mooar ner ten minits at mooast ter wheear shi wanted ter bi, bur Ah sed "Cooarse yer can luv" an that's what shi did. Mind yer, Ah wor capped when Ah lukked rahnd just as Ah wor settin off an shi'd goan straight ter sleep. As it ‘appens, Ah allus keep an owd anorak in t'back o' t'car ter slip on if Ah need ter get aht for owt - toilet, assin directions er owt er that soart, so Ah reached ovvr t'seat an covered t'lass up ter keep 'er wahm.
When Ah gets dahn inta Kings Road Ah turned ter wekken er up an ther wor nobdy thear. Ah wor gobsmacked. "Funny" Ah thowt ...ah the 'ummer as shi getten aht o' t'car wiaht mi noaticin".
Ah decided ter mak sure shi wor awreight soa Ah guz up to t'owse an knocked on t'dooar. T'woman at answered ed grey 'air an a reyt lined face but sum'ow Ah dint think shi wor all that owd. When Ah telled 'er wor ad 'appened shi bust aht cryin an sez "it's 'appened afooar. It mun a bin ahr Rosemary. Shi wor comin 'ooam from a party at yon big ‘owse at stands back off o' t'rooad up at t'top o' t'ill an when shi wor crossin ter t'bus stop a coil lorry cem rahnd t'bend an knocked 'er dahn. It wor just such a neet as this an 'e skidded on t'wet rooad. Shi's bin buried i' t'cemetry fer ten year but shi weant rest"
Ah carried on 'ooam an when Ah telled t'wife abaht it shi sez "Ah 'ooap tha's not bin drinkin an drivin" jumpin ter conclusions like shi allus duz. Ah convinced 'er at Ah'd ed nowt much ter sup but shi still thowt Ah wor mistekken er else dreamin. It wer real enuff ter me tho' an Ah dint sleep ser weal that neet. Nex mornin, t'weather wor as diffrent agean. Ther wor a cowd wind bur all t'clahds ed blawn away an ther wor even a bit o' weak sunshine. Ah sez "Ah think Ah'll gu fer a walk ter blaw t'cobwebs off while yer seein ter t'turkey an that fer t'dinner" T'wife likes mi aht thra under t'feet when shi's throng.
"Awreight" shi sez but doant bi callin ter see thi mates at t'pub. Ah've telled t'fam'ly ter bi 'ere for one o' clock an Ah want thi back afooa, then".
That wor easy promise ter mek seein as ahr local dunt oppen on Chrismas day so Ah set off an fon missen goin dahn t'lane t'ards Colyton. Ah'd nowt perticlar i' mind but summat seemed ter draw mi ovver that way. When Ah got theear Ah went in't t'churchyard an thowt Ah'd visit young Rosemary's grave just ter satisfy missen at Ah'd getten t'tale reyt. It dint tek much finndin - mi owd anorak wor draped across t'eeadstone.

The Angler by Dennis Rhodes

It wor a champion day o' Satda
As breet as tha cud wish
T'wife sez "Ah'm off shoppin"
Ah sez "Reight, Ah'm off ter fish"

Ah got set up on t'river bank
Ah cud 'ear a skylark sing
It cudn't a bin mooar peaceful
Ah wor ‘appy as a king

Then Ah noaticed t'line wor twitchin
An mi flooat began ter bob
Ah thowt "Ayup, a bite bi nah
Ah'd best gerron wi t'job"

So Ah played t'rod nice'n gentle
Until 'e'd tekken t'ook
It wor plain it wor a bigun
Ah cudn't believe mi luck

‘e giz a tug, Ah ler 'im run
Ah dint want t'line ter snatch
It wor bahn ter tek a lotta skill
A fish like yon ter catch

Ah tuk up t'strain an reeled 'im in
Then ler 'im run once mooar
This wor gunna bi a challenge
Like Ah'd nivver ‘ed afooar

It mud a bin aboon an ‘ahr
Ah played 'im aht an back
At last Ah thowt "'e's gerrin tired
Mi line keeps goin slack"

"let's ev a luk at thi" Ah sez
An pulled '-im ter t'side o' t'stream
‘e wor laid theear i' t'shaller watter
'is scales wor all agleam

By Gow, 'e wor a beauty
Such a fish Ah ne'er did see
Ah simply cudn't contain missen
Ah shahted aht wi glee

"If it int a fower pahnder
Ah'll eyt mi bloomin ‘et
It'll bi a new Club record
Ah'm certain shure o' that"

Ah jumped up in excitement
An mi line snagged on a bush
'e med one last big effort
An swam off in a rush

Eeh, bur Ah cud a poised missen
It nearly brok mi 'eart
Ther wern't ner daht abaht it
Ah knew at t'line ud part

Wor a way fer it ter end
It'd mek the angels weep
But then Ah wok up wi a staht
Aye, Ah'd bin fast asleep

The Boozer by Dennis Rhodes

Nay, Ah'm noan a 'eavy drinker
Just sociable tha knows
Onny a pint er two at dinnertime
An a bottle ter tek aht when the close

At neet Ah gen'lly goa ter t'club
Specially if the've gorra turn
Bur Ah nivver ev mooar ner five er six pints
Well, Ah evn't got brass ter burn

Cum weekend Ah goa ter t'rugby match
Ter see 'ah t'local team's doin
An at after wi'll mebbe ev one er two
Ter 'elp em keep t'club 'owse goin

Cooarse, it's diff'rent on a Satdi neet
When Ah goa aht wi mi mate
Wi gerrup tahn in a neetclub
An wi allus ev one ovver t'eight

Sundi mornin Ah can ev a lig in
Noa church fer me, Ah'm a sinner
Bur Ah like ter meet up wi t'village lads
Fer a pint afooar mi dinner

Soa tha can see Ah'm noan a boozer
Abaht average Ah sud think
Noan t'same as a lot o' lads my age
At duz nowt else but drink

The Collier by Dennis Rhodes

At awf past fower i' t'mornin
Ah'm wekkened wi t’alarm
Eeh, it'd bi grand ter stop i' bed
Wheear it's cosy an it's wahm

Bur Ah knaw Ah dassn't risk it
Ah shud sooin bi back asleep
An Ah can't affooard a shift off
Not wi three young bairns ter keep

Soa Ah get missen up aht o' bed
An fumble ter get dressed
Ah'm foarced ter disturb t'wife a bit
But still Ah do mi best

Ah creep dahnstairs an put t'kettle on
Swill mi face under t'cowd watter tap
Then Ah mek missen a pot of tea
While Ah'm purrin up mi snap

Ah broddle t'fire an bank it
T'last thing afooar Ah go
Soa when ahr lass an t'kids gerrup
The'll finnd a welcome glow

Then Ah set off aht dahn t'street
An tho' it's cowd an dark
Ah knaw Ah'm better off ner sum
At leeast Ah'm goin ter wark

The Dialect Class by Dennis Rhodes

Ther's a U3A group up at Ossett
Wheear tha can speyk just as brooad as tha likes
The'll bi 'appen abaht twenty members
An all on em's born an bred Tykes

The meet on Mundis at t'libr'y
Staht at two an finish at four
Ah c'n tell thi it sumtimes gets lively
When the all try ter stick in ther oar

Ther's sum on em at dabbles i' poetry
An sum at reads buks an plays
An ther allus tawkin abaht when the wor bairns
Back in t'owden days

It int summat at's onny just stahted
Nay it's bin goin’ aboon ten year
An it's reight gud value fer thi brass
Cos t'subs int wot tha'd call dear

Soa if ivver tha finnds thissen at a loise end
Why dunt ta goa rahnd an see
Even if tha's noan ser suited
The'll gi'e thi a nice cup a' tea

The Dog by Dennis Rhodes

Ah suppoase Ah'd berrer tek 'im aht
'e likes a walk duz t'master
Mind yer, wi nivver get ser far
Ah wish 'e cud goa faster

Ah luk rahnd an Ah'm miles i' front
So then Ah run back ter find 'im
Then 'e'll shaht aht "Ter 'eel boy"
An expect mi ter walk behind 'im

Cooarse, Ah try ter 'umour 'im
An foller t’master's biddin
‘e likes ter show at 'e's in charge
Woof: oos 'e think 'e's kiddin

Tha sees 'e's onny 'uman
An 'appen a little bit dim
Bur 'e allus meks sure at Ahm well fed
Ahm like family ter 'im

Then 'e'll cum an brush mi ‘coit
An mek a lotta fuss
Ah knaw it's nobbut a dog's life
Bur it cud bi a reight lot wuss

The Harassed Mum by Dennis Rhodes

"Stir thissen Joe, it's after eight
If tha dunt mek a put, tha's bahn ter bi late"
"Aye, Ah’m comin, awreight, awreight"

"Well luk at thi, tha's an absolute wreck
Tha'll atta change that shirt, by 'eck
An Ah do wish tha'd learn ter wesh thi neck"

"Dunt gi'e mi that luk, else tha'll gerra claht
Ah'm fair ashamed o' thi when tha goas aht
Tha'rt bain a' mi life wiaht a daht"

"Nah get thi brekfast an shape thissen
If tha's late wi s'll ev trouble wi t’schooil agen"
"Mam, do yer knaw wheear Ah'v put mi pen"

"Eeh, Ah owt ter bi fit as a lop
Ah s'll bi runnin abaht after thee till Ah drop"
"Mam, can Ah ev tuppence ter call at t ' shop "

"Come on comb thi ‘air an blaw thi noase
It's cappin ‘ah quick tha's grown aht o' them cloas
An think on shut t'dooar after thi when tha goas"

The Mechanic by Dennis Rhodes

Ah’ve allus liked laikin wi motors
Ivver sin Ah wor a lad
Nah Ah do it ter addle a livin
An t’gaffer o' t'place is mi dad

Very oft ‘e sez "Wilta work ovver
An cooarse Ah seh "That'll bi fine"
Ah doant mind buildin 'is bizness up
Cos someday all t'lot'll bi mine

Ah work on owt thra minis ter rollers
Noa job is ter big ner ter small
If a bairn cums in wi a pushbike
Ah'll soart aht 'is problem anawl

Ah can fix brakes er bearins er steerin
Bur Ah like knacklin wi engines mooar
Ah'm ‘appy when Ah'm slahted up wi oil
An ther's bits all ovver t'flooar

Sum fowks think Ah can work miracles
An sumtimes the' goa too far
A chap sez "Why weant mi motor staht"
Ah sez "It's thi batt'ry - it needs a new car"

The Milkman by Dennis Rhodes

Ah reckon as 'ow this job o' mine
‘ll sooin bi a thing o' t'past
Yer see Ah'm a milk delivery man
An likely one o' t'last

Nah Ah blame t'supermarkets
Fer gerrin us in a mess
Cos t'number o' pints at wi tek aht
Is gerrin less an less

Cooarse, when it cums ter prices
The've easy gor us beat
But ther int a supermarket
At t'end on ivvry street

Wi offer fowks a service
Bur Ah'm flaid if the doant use it
Ther's nowt ats ner mooar certain
That sooin ther bahn ter lose it

Oh Ah knaw it's fine fer t'younguns
The c'n allus jump in t'car
But wot abaht t'owd lady
At can't ger aht ser far

Still, that's wot the call progress
An when all is sed an dun
It seems at t' motto o' t'world terday
Is "Look after number one"

The New Husband by Dennis Rhodes

Owd Joss wor a confirmed bachelor
'e'd bin soa all 'is life
Soa 'Is mates wor well an truly capped
When 'e tuk 'issen a wife

"Whativver atta thinkin on"
Charlie o' Pot'oil sed
"Ah nivver thowt an idea like that
Ud enter in thy 'ead"

"Well tha knaws Ah'm aht at t'mill all day"
At once Owd Joss replied
"An ther int noabody left i' t'owse
Nah at mi sister's died"

"An Ah've allus bin soft natured
Tha'll noan argue wi that
Soa tha seas Ah ed ter finnd a wife
Ter bi comp'ny fer mi cat"

The Postman by Dennis Rhodes

Ah've got ter gerrup early
Ter soart aht all mi mail
An then Ah stick it in mi bag
An set off on mi trail

Ah goa aht i' all weathers
When it's snawin er it's sunny
An Ah sudn't mind that ser much
If Ah gorra bit mooar money

Ther's all soarts ter purrup wi
Ah wor aht one day in t'fog
When suddenly thra t'back o' t'owse
Cum chargin this big dog

It barked but dint bite mi
So Ah dint bear no ill will
All t’same Ah'm glad ther letter
Turned aht ter bi a bill

Still it's a varry 'ealthy life
An tha gets ter knaw thi neighbours
Sumtimes ther's satisfaction
I return fer all thi labours

Like when sum sweet awd lady
Gets a letter from 'er son
An tha sees 'er face leet up wi joy
The knaws it's a job well done

The Sailor by Dennis Rhodes

Dunt believe wot the seh abaht sailors
A woman in ivvry Poart
Cos Ah,ve bin a sailor all mi life
An Ah've got nowt o' t’soart

Ah'll admit ter a blonde in ‘amburg
An a cute little lass in La Paz
But moast a' t'women at Ah've met
'll rob thi ov all at tha 'as

But that int why Ah joined t'service
A bawdy life's not fer me
Ah wanted ter see sum o’ t’rest o't'world
Soa Ah left 'ooam an run off ter sea

Ah stahted aht as a cabin boy
An then Ah becem a deck 'and
Nah Ah've bin promoted ter bosun
It's all goin just like Ah planned

An Ah've cert'nly bin all o'er t'place
North. South, East an West
But still Ah like ter cum ‘ooam agen
Ah reckon owd England's t'best

Son when Ah get stalled o' roamin
An Ah’m finished wi this owd tub
Ah s ‘ll get settled back i' Yorkshire
An keep a country Pub

The Shopkeeper by Dennis Rhodes

I' t'middle on ahr village
Ah keep a general stoar
Ah've gorrit crammed wi that much stuff
Tha c'n 'ardly get through t'dooar

Ah stock a bit uv ivvrythin
So Ah've gorrit if fowks ask
Bur Ah must admit at finndin it
Can sumtimes bi a task

It's t'onny shop fer miles arahnd
Fer me that's very nice
Cos if fowk really want owt
The've got ter pay my price

When Ah gorrit med a Post Office
Ah built a new extension
Nah t'women do ther shoppin
When the cum in for ther pension

But doant think at mekkin brass
Is t'onny thing ter matter
If fowk want t'local gossip
The just drop in fer a natter

Still when it cums ter t'end o' t'day
Ah've got ter mek a livin
An neer mind what the proverbs say
Ah like tekkin mooar ner givin

The Soldier by Dennis Rhodes

It's a man's life bein i' t’army
Specially a Grenadier Guard
The' gi'e thi a load o' trainin
Soas tha ends up tuff an ‘ard

Tha's ter bull up thi kit fer inspection
Ter mek shure tha's turned aht smart
An the ev thi aht on t'square drillin
Till it nearly breks thi 'eart

The' send yer racin rahnd an assault cooarse
An yompin fer miles accross t'mooar
An when yer've ter goa aht on survival
Well - it int like a Thomas Cook tour

But tha's sum gud mates ter rely on
Comradeship solid an true
An plenty o' chance for games an spoarts
Whativver tha wants ter do

Aye, it giz thi a champion feelin
Ter think at tha's one o' t’cream
Oh, Ah knaw at it's no bed o' roases
Bur Ah'm prahd ter bi part o' this team

The Sun Worshipper by Dennis Rhodes

Thers a woman at lives dahn ahr street
An when it's a sunny day
Fra early morn till late at neet
In t'gardin shi will lay

Shi nivver seems ter fettle t'owse
It's plain wot shi's got planned
Shi peaks theear quiet as a mouse
Mekkin shure at shi gets tanned

'er skimpy little swimsuit
Is striped wi red an yeller
Ah doant think shi cares a hoot
‘ah shi excites a feller

Mind thi, shi's gorra bit o' sense
Ter keep pryin e'es away
,er gardin's gorra six foot fence
Shi knaws wot t'neighbours 'd say

Soa ‘ah cum Ah knaw at shi's theear
An Ah c'n tell thi wheear ter finnd ‘er
Well if Ah get stud up on t'chair
Ah c'n see 'er thra t'bedroom winder

The Village Idiot by Dennis Rhodes

The’call mi t'village idiot
An say at Ah'm a fooil
It’s true ter seh when Ah wor young
Ah wernt much cop at schooil

Nah tuther lads mek fun o' me
An chortle aht wi glee
Bur Ah knaw wot the'r up ter
Ah dunt lerrit bother me

Wilta ev this tanner er this penny
The'll very often say
An knaw if Ah pick t'tanner
The sooin weant want ter play

Soa if it meks em 'appy
Ah'll pur up wi the'r chaff
An Ah just keep tekkin pennies
Oo’s ta think 'as t'biggest laff

The Visit by Dennis Rhodes

The'd 'appen bin married best part on a year
When Bob sez ter Alice "Ah've gor an idea
Tha'll recall at ahr weddin my fowks wernt ser chuff
The' reckoned at nawther on us wor owd enuff
The' sed at wi'd spend us time billin an cooin
Soa let's ask em rahnd fer ter see 'ah wi're doin,'
Alice sez "Well, it's awreight wi me
Ah’ll ring up an ask em ter cum fer ther tea"
Mother-i'-law sed shi'd look forrard to that
Nowt shi liked better ner a nice cosy chat
"Aye" thowt Alice "Ah knaw shi'll bi bustin
Ter ev a look rahnd an check up on mi dustin"
Soa shi rolled up 'er sleeves an fair got stuck in
Shi fettled t'owse till it wor like a new pin
Shi polished t'woodwork so tha cud see thi face
An ther wernt a speck a muck left in t'place

Bur it 'as ter bi sed Alice wernt a gud cook
Still, shi settled 'ersen dahn wi a recipe book
Shi knew varry weel it 'd bi a big test
An shi wanted 'er in-laws ter bi truly impressed
An t'fust thing shi needed ter mek a gud spread
Wor a couple o' loaves o' 'ooam made bread
Soa shi mixed 'er dooaf but shi used sum yeast
At'd bin stuck i' t'cupboard sin last Scarbro Feast
Cooarse, it dint rise up same as it shud
An t'bread cem aht o' t'oven like lumps o' wood

Wi 'er baked egg custard shi fared ner better
Tho' shi'd follered t'instructions reight ter t'letter
Some'ow it dint seem ter bi much cop
Cos 'er pastry 'ad risen ter finish on top
Then t'beef bourginon wor tasteless an tuff
Shi'd no idea wor 'ad gone wrong wi t'stuff
An shi 'ad ter admit shi'd nivver master
T'Italian art o' mekkin pasta
It wor plain at 'er cookin wernt fit ter bi seen
Poor Alice just sat theear wi tears in 'er e'en

When Bob cem 'ooam thra 'is wark that day
'e wor sloughened, 'e dint knaw wot ter say
'e knew 'ah important it wor ter 'is wife
Ter prove ter 'is parents at the'd gorra gud life
At last 'e sez "Cheer up, them tears mun stop
Wi s'll atta get ready an pop aht ter t'shop
Theease days tha can ger enuff stuff ter bi able
Ter show ter mi mam at wi keep a good table"
The bowt lettuce, tomatoes an spring onions too
Salad wor summat even Alice cud do
Then Bob sez "Wor abaht a nice chicken pie
An sum crusty rolls like wi usually buy"
Alice perked up 'er e'en stahted ter gleam
Shi sez "Aye, an wi'll finish off wi cheesecake an cream"
"Thank 'eavens" shi sed "Fer Marks an Sparks"
Then the went back 'ooam as 'appy as larks

Bur Alice wor nervous as bad as afooar
When Bob's fowks arrived an knocked on t'dooar
Shi sae "Luvly ter see yer, Ah'm glad yer cud come"
Bur 'er 'eart wor beatin as fast as a drum
Then t'mother-i'-law calmed 'er dahn in a trice
Shi sez "Yer 'owse is a pitcher, it's ivver ser nice
An a do like yer curtins ther luvly an breet
The set off yer carpet an go well wi yer suite
After that the gorron like 'owse afire
T'owd lass telled Alice ter call 'er Maria
Soa then when t'meal wor a big success
Alice thowt reight, it's time ter confess
Shi telled 'er abaht all t'trouble the'd 'ad
Tryin ter show off fer 'er an Bob's dad
Maria sez "Eeh lass, tha shud a sin t'fuss
T'fust time Joe's parents cem rahnd ter see us
T'tea at Ah cooked em, why, it shud a bin binned
But the dint seh nowt, the just et it an grinned
Nay, tha did reight ter buy vittles thra t'shop
It's a damn sight better ner servin a flop
An wi a bit ov advice it weant tek thi long
Ter soart aht t'things at tha's bin doin wrong"

"Nah, Ah'd like ter seh summat anawl" sez Joe
"Wi boath 'ad us dahts whether yer'd mek it a go
But wi cud tell as sooin as wi stepped in aht o' t'yard
Yer'd med a champion 'ooam an ahr Bob shud bi prahd
Yer've getten tergether like 'and in glove
Aye, it's easy ter tell 'owse at's filled wi love "

The Waitress by Dennis Rhodes

"What would Madam like today
Some coffee and a cake?"
Eeh Ah wish yer'd mek yer mind up
Yer've no idea 'ah my feet ache

Ah've bin dashin up an dahn this caff
Sin wi oppened up at ten
An Ah've 'ad six extra tables
Cos that Florrie's sick agen

An Ah reckon nowt ter that new chef
By gum, 'e's gorra nerve
Sum o' t'stuff 'e dishes up
Then expects me ter serve

Cooarse, when a customer complains
It's me at 'as ter tek it
The' nivver go ter t'kitchin
An play pop wi them at mek it

Aye, Ah knaw Ah'm badly done to
But ther's a smile upon mi lips
Cos moastly if yer nice ter fowks
Yer gerra lotta tips