Fred Hirst

Bath Neet by Fred Hirst

Ivvery week we got bathed on a Friday neet,
An' w'en we wo young it wo quite a treat.
T' bath wor 'ung up ahtside on t' coil 'oil dooahr,
Mi Mam fetched it in an' purr it on t' flooahr.

She purr in cowd watter, then she purr in t' 'ot,
T' watter wo wahrmed wi' a fire under t' set pot.
Mi sisters gor in t' first, cos the' wo small,
Ah gor in t' last, mi Mam said Ah wo tall.

We wo stripped off an' stood quite bare,
Do owt wrong then tha wudn ' t even dare .
Wi' cahrbolic sooahp she rubbed ivvery 'ed,
An' scrubbed thee all ovver 'til tha wo red.

Wi an 'ahrdin' towel we wor all rubbed dahn,
Ah purr on mi shirt, mi sisters, a neetgahn.
Next a supper of 'ot milk an' jam an' bread,
Then feelin' wahrm an' tired we went ta bed.

Be A Gentleman by Fred Hirst

W'ere ivver tha ahr, be a gentleman.
Allus be polite w'en ivver tha can.
Doesn't really matter 'ow tha talks,
Nooahbody's bothered 'ow tha walks.

Allus offer a standin' lady a seat,
It'll do wonders for 'er achin' feet.
'elp elderly ladies on an' off o' t' bus,
If somebody taks thi place dooant fuss.

W'en a naughty wind lifts a lady's skirt high,
Rather act a little discreetly an' turn a blind eye.
W'en introduced to a lady, be sure ta bow,
Doesn't matter 'ow clumsy, do it some'ow.

W'en aht dinin', assist t' lady to 'er chair,
Mak sure she ‘as t’ menu ta choose t fare.
She may be modern an' insist on payin' t' bill,
Do mak sure that it's thy money that gooas i' till.

W'en t' after dinner talk is mellow, like t' wine,
An' t' question arises, "Thy place or mine?"
Still act like a gentleman an' do job right,
See t' lady gets 'ooam safely for t' night.

Bonfire Neet by Fred Hirst

Tha'd ta belong to a gang ta collect chumps for bonfire neet,
Not ta be bothered abaht gerrin' mucky, nor ta be very breet.
Nooah need ta be worried abaht weer tha got thi chumps,
Ther' wor other places ta gerr 'em besides rubbish dumps.

All that tha collected, tha'd ta drag 'ooahm ta yahrd,
Liftin' 'em on ta closets an’ t ‘coil 'oils wo very 'ahrd.
On mischief neet ahr dads took ovver an' built fire,
We looked on an' an' watched it grow 'igher an' 'igher.

That neet we got tergether an' stood for 'ahrs, on guahrd.
We let nooahbody raid us ta pinch chumps from ahr yahrd.
On bonfire neet, us faathers came an' set it afire,
The' poured parafin , lots of it inta an owd tyre.

It didn't tak long afooahr it gorr ablaze an' really 'ot,
Mi Mam an' Dad came aht wi' t' firewahrks that Ah'd got.
If tha wo well off, tha gorr a lot purr in a big packet,
Spahrklers, pinw'eels, rockets, bangers 'at made a racket.

We'd rosted tahties pushed inta fire wi' a stick,
sumtimes tha cudn't get neeahr 'cos t' smook wo ta thick.
At backend o' t' neet tha wor a reight seet ta be seen,
Black as fireback wo thi face an' red rimmed wo thi een.

Broddin a List Rug by Fred Hirst

It wo windy an cowd, a real nasty neet
T',Wind wo gusty, ther wo flurries o' sleet
Mi Mam lit t'gas an' pulled dahn t'blind
Mi Dad Sat on t’firequard, wahrmin' 'is behind

We'd ed us dinner, pots wo weshed up ani sided away
Fire wo blazin 'ot, stooahked up ta last rest o' t'day
Mi Mam went ta cellar 'eeahd an' she browt 'er rug frame aht
Shi sed to mi Dad "Tha can put this tergether fer a stahrt"

Ah'd ta get mi Dad 'is 'ammer an' bring 'im some tacks
We'd ta shift table cos t'fire wo too wahrm fer us backs
T'seckin wo marked off, mi Dad nailed it ta t’frame
We'd ta brod a new 'earth rug, that wo mi mam’s aim

Mi Mam ed some lists i' flahr bag, coloured red, black an' grey
It looks like for t'next few neets it's all wahrk an' nooah play
Mi Mam showed mi 'ea ta brod t'oils an' purr in a list
It wor a lot easier if tha gev t’ends a little twist

Ah could awnly reych ta booarder weer t'lists wo black
T'way If Mam an' Dad brodded tha'd think the' wor on tack
Inside o’ t’booarder wo grey, centre piece wo red
W'en it wo finished it felt as soft as a feather bed

Cancelled, One Fishin' Trip by Fred Hirst

T' dawn wo just brekkin' throo w'en Ah gorr up,
Ah made misen some teeah an' wor 'evvin' a sup.
Then it stahrted. T' wife decided she'd come dahn,
Wi' curlers in 'er 'air, nowt on but a neetgahn.

"Nah then, wot ivver i' t' world does ta think tha doin',
Dun't ta knaw it's Sunday, wot ahr ta doin' up sa sooin'?
Ah said, " It's a nice day an' Ah'm bahn ta gooah fishin'."
"Theer tha gooahs ageeahn," t' wife said, " Allus wishin'."

"This is one day that thi wish i' n't bahn ta come true,
Becos Ah've plenty o' jobs i' t'gahrden tha can do.
First of all, get thisen on t' lawn, that's ta mow,
Then tha can freeten some o' them weeds wi' t' 'oe.

W'en tha's done that Ah'll 'ev thi breakfast ready,
Dooahn't be messin' abaht an' takkin' it steady.
Cum ta think of it, t' 'edge, that needs sheeahrin',
Wot's that tha said? Speyk up, Ah'm 'ahrd of 'eeahrin'

Nah that tha's made mi gahrden look spic an' span,
Tha can gerr agate weshin' them winders, tha can "
Can't gooah fishin', wife's purr an end ta that,
But Ah' ll get mi awn back. Ah' ll apply for a flat.'

Christmas Dinner by Fred Hirst

Christmas dinner wor at mi Mother's, we all 'ed ta be theeahr,
T' 'ouse wo packed an' ivverybody wo full o' good cheeahr.

Standin' at table, wi' bowed 'eds, grace wo said,
Crackers wo pulled an' a fancy 'at purr on thi 'ed.

Ther wor a big bowl o' punch, we all 'ed ta 'eva tot,
Wishin' Mam a Merry Christmas, it wo supped pipin' 'ot.

For stahrters, a bowl o' soup wo wot we 'ed,
If tha wanted tha cud dip in a crust o' bread.

Then ther wo' Yorksher puddin' that wor'a must,
Covered wi' gravy, allus leet an' crispy wo t' crust.

Wi' apple sauce, a slice o' rost pooahrk wo thi meyt
An' piled reight up wi' vegetables wo thi plate.

W'en tha'd got that dahn tha cud undo a button or two,
But dooahn't gerr up, ther's two mooahr courses ta do.

Ther wo lashin's o' brandy sauce on thi Christmas pud,
It wor a real big 'elpin' an' it tasted ivver sa good.

At long last we've got to it, Christmas cake an cheese,
"Aye, Ah'll mooahst certainly eva cup o' coffee, please."

Courtin' Game, Yesterday An' Today by Fred Hirst

W'en tha took 'er for a walk ovver cloises or i' t' pahk,
Tha wor allus wishin' it 'ed look shahp an' drop dahk.
But nahadays it's ten o'clock afooah the' mak a staht
An' tha's ta tak 'er for a meeal ta begin thi neet aht.

W'en mekkin' advances tha'd trouble wi' blouse, bra an' vest,
Nah ther' is a bare space between 'er 'ips an' 'er breast.
W'en she sat dahn tha wer' lucky to be able to see 'er knee,
Today's lasses weer see through dresses ta catch thi e'e.

I' my day dancin' t' waltz an' fox trots wor the in thing,
On today's dance flooah the' mak suggestive movements an' sing.
After y'ed been aht tha'd probably linger at 'er front door,
But today tha'd mooahst likely be let tin' thisen aht at four.

W'ether yesterday or today tha cud be too slow or too fast,
Nahadays it seems that a lot of trial weddin's dooant last.
W'ich ivver way tha decides ta play this courtin' game,
Tha can rest assured t' final result will allus be t' same.